| And down falls her dress |
[30 Nov 2005|08:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
I've been getting nasty stomaches lately. I hate it.
I think I'm dieing, haha.
I really can't make up my mind about anything these days.
I don't know shit from shit.
|
|
| Argh... |
[05 Nov 2005|03:24pm] |
|
Soo...
I mightt be going back to Dallas.
I don't know. I can't make my mind up about shit these days.
I talk about how I want to control my life, but at the same time I want someone to choose for me.
I don't know about my "love life" right now. I'm having some serious doubts about Ray, like, it's not worh it kinda...I dunno.
This random boy came up and kissed me at the football game.
Neat? I suppose.
Kids at Dallas we're saying how me and Kiel were so scene, and we are sister and brother.
HAHA.
I'm online entierly too much. I suppose I can blame a certain Irish drunk for that <3
Well, just thought I'd make an emo post for today. Now, I'm going to go cry or something, haha.
|
|
| Redefine hate and love. |
[13 Oct 2005|10:59pm] |
|
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
lol im sox
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
*soz
Fuck all that, No surrender! says:
your socks lol
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
lol ya call me socks from now on haha
Fuck all that, No surrender! says:
lol ok socks
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
lol
Fuck all that, No surrender! says:
or will i call you sox or miss sox or socks
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
and your ttens
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
*ttens
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
m i t t ens
Fuck all that, No surrender! says:
mittens?
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
ya
Fuck all that, No surrender! says:
y's that?
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
idk but u r
Fuck all that, No surrender! says:
lol ok
Fuck all that, No surrender! says:
socks and mittens lol
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
lol ya!
Fuck all that, No surrender! says:
crazy
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
hehe
*~*{Keep your head up,the colors are beautiful,when they say give up,just turn up your radio}*~* says:
were robbers!
Fuck all that, No surrender! says:
socks and mittens the robbers lol has a kind of ring to it
Cute <3
|
|
| In your hands |
[12 Oct 2005|09:01pm] |
Bound to this couch, I lie in waiting
Watching wind blown memories slip by my window sill
I can't fall asleep, voice in my head disturbs me
Waking nightmares keep, have my cries fallen on deaf ears
Can you hear me or am i....
Talking to myself again, is there anybody listening
Are you taking this in, am I wasting my breath
Tell me, is the wind in your sails worth everything you give
Are you looking for something, forgiveness
I leave it up to you, I guess I'm better off removed
Because the situtations growing too thick,
In your hands
Could it have been something I said,
Or was it something that I did
Did I ruin my chance, have you written me off
tell me where did I cross the line,
And can I work my way back this time
Will i always regret this decision
I leave it up to you,
I hope you find a good excuse because
I've given about all that i can give,
In your hands
Are you taking this in, am I wasting my breath
Did I ruin my chance, have you written me off
[background]
I could try to count the times that I've been through this in my mind,
but I'm running out of fingers and I don't have that much time
Are you taking this in, am I wasting my breath
Did I ruin my chance, have you written me off
|
|
| mmhhhhmmm... |
[03 Oct 2005|11:47pm] |
Scratch me and tare off my skin.
Stick me full of needles and pins.
Carve into my chest.
See where all of my anguish infests.
Rip out my already crumbling spine.
Take my stability away.
Your vanity, my suicidal shrine.
Strip away my eyes and watch them roll out the
door.
No more self-esteem for this ash covered whore.
Take your words and shove them into my gut.
The sickness comes, as they begin to cut.
Digest the hurt, that begins to make me ball.
Look in the mirror, and watch as my tears begin
to crawl.
Ill tempered fevers attack me in my sleep.
Nothing escapes my throat, not a single peep.
I become faint, and you leave my side.
Never showing you the emotions I held inside.
Hold my own hand and puke up my self-disgust.
Dwell in it and watch myself rust.
Throw me a rose to cover the scorn.
Prick my finger on its lovely thorn.
Squeeze my finger as it begins to swell.
Grab a bandaid, then all is well.
But I dont live in a fairytale.
My head still unhinged, held by one solitary
nail.
Im a disgrace, or so you swore.
Im still a tainted, ash covered whore.
Sit and watch me bleed onto my empty plate.
I never wanted you to see me in this state.
I bled out my ears from your lips.
Holding my camoflauge together, as it slowly
rips.
Two opposing views come together in a clash.
But I am only beneath you; the trash.
The mute breaks her unbearable silence.
I would hate to disgrace you with my presence.
My tongue begins to bleed green with envy.
As my throat is sliced with my screams.
While into my head the idea bore.
Ill always just be your ash covered whore.
|
|
| :) |
[01 Oct 2005|06:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
Yeah! I got ahold of him, w00p.
Anywho...
Among nights and days
Departing endless recollection
Stealing the devoured gaze
Through crystalline reflection
Light golden fantasy
Tinted of dark corvine
As deep, silver luxury
Upon a most vivid shine
Obliterate the agony
Let the waves be kissed
Detonate crashing beauty
Carry me with the mist!
|
|
| Concerning Mickyy....! |
[29 Sep 2005|05:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
Ello'
I was wondering if any of my old FFGON buddies could help me....I've been trying to reach Micky (Kurts_Dead) If anyone knows of how I can get in touch with him, I'd be much-o greatful.
|
|
| This is how it is. |
[28 Sep 2005|10:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
Absence of physical body.
The undertow takes away my hands,
So no longer may I feel you close to me.
The gripping wind, it steals my eyes,
So no longer may I see your greif-lifting face.
The cruel open sea says it'll borrow my ears,
So no longer may I hear your sweet serenade.
The slamming door says it needs some arms,
So no longer may I hold you close to forever.
The son of sofa says it needs my legs,
So no longer may I run to you when I am in need.
The old crypt keeper wants my middle,
So no longer may I be fulfilling to you.
But none of them will take my heart,
So forever it will bleed for you.
|
|
| Mmmmhhhhmmm.... |
[25 Sep 2005|08:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
I have 9 days before I cease to exist. 9 days before I crawl into my whole.
While you sleep I sit
I feel, I think, I long
For I need, wait,
Glistening in the black memory
Your hands glittering in the light
I love you
Fades to dust
Get up carry on
I couldn't but I must
At the end of day
People go to sleep
to work in the morning
You don't believe in faeries
The world goes round
People get old
And when they do
They die, dust, nothing.
Childhood is gone
Dreams, I have your nightmares
Clutching mine at night
Starving me on lies
Maybe I'll be stronger tomorrow
Perhaps you'll love me
In the sunrises light
But in the light of reality
You won't
Don't, done, get up in carry
on
This is life not some childhood
Storybook
Dont, Won't, Can't,
Stop, Sorry, Please
Dont Leave
Because when you're down
I stay to get up and carry on
|
|
| ^$&#$%@#$ |
[22 Sep 2005|08:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
Jesus FUCKING CHRIST. I hate people. I hate them so much. All I want is a person with depth. A person with a FUCKING BACK BONE. Who isn't a nasty fucking cunt who can't stand for what they believe in. LOYALTY. THATS ALL I FUCKING WANT. Someone I can count on. Is that too much to ask? Isnt that something that should fall under the simple guide lines of being a decent HUMAN?! GOD shoot me now if the restof the world is like this shit fucking hole of a town. SHOOT ME NOW.
|
|
| Why I hate you. |
[20 Sep 2005|08:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
I hate the way you look at me,
And how it lifts me up so high,
I hate the way you tear me down,
And how you always make me cry.
I hate the way I was drawn to you,
And how easily I did fall,
I hate the way you lie to me,
But I always did believe it all.
I hate the way I dream of you,
And how it always seems so good,
I hate the way you make me promises,
To do things you never really could.
I hate it when your holding me,
Somehow it makes me feel alright,
I hate the way you threw me away,
You were never holding on that tight.
I hate the way that you kiss me,
And how it makes the whole world melt away,
I hate the fact that you were only using me,
You never had any intention to stay.
I hate how much my Dad liked you,
And how you said forever we would last,
I hate the way that I miss you,
I guess forever went way too fast.
I hate how you told me I was enough,
That you always liked me for me,
I hate the way I had to find out,
I never could just let things be.
I hate the way you can make me laugh,
Even if I am about to cry,
I hate the way that we ended things,
How you never gave me reasons why.
I hate how much faith I had in you,
Even when you would let me down,
I hate how you called me your queen,
Of thorns you fashioned me a crown.
I hate the way your mere existance,
Makes my life seem worth living,
I hate how you've taken everything from me,
You left me nothing, you never were too giving.
I hate how well that you know me,
The way you discovered all that I hide,
I hate the way you've broken my spirit,
You've caused me so much hurt inside.
I hate so many more things about you,
I haven't the words or the time,
I hate your smile, your laugh, your heart,
I hate everything about your mind.
But the thing I hate most about you,
It's not that I don't hate you, because I do,
I hate the way you've shattered my dreams,
The way I'll never love anyone how I loved you.
|
|
|
[10 Sep 2005|11:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
For anyone keeping track....that girl I spoke of earlier...wonderful girl, but Im thinking it's more of a best friend status, rather than girlfriend.
***********************************************
Pick up your phone,
explain this picture of a thousand words you always left unsaid.
what am I becoming waiting by the phone,
reading between the lines in letters you wrote to say goodbye.
I cant accept that its over,
I hate forced smiles in photographs,
next to someone new,
who hasnt been around long enough to know the real me,
or the real you.
months of learning how the hair falls in your face,
what music you like to sing along to,
the cockiness I love to hate.
Destiny is that we can still talk for hours and laugh.
Love is something everyone talks about and few have experienced.
I can learn to cope with someone new,
but I'll never look at them for hours the way I looked at you.
They wont fall into my neck and listen to a heartbeat all its own.
Would it be out of line... If I told you I missed you.
|
|
| Pretty much. |
[08 Sep 2005|04:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
So...there's this girl....and...I think I might like her. I've never, ever had feelings for a girl. I mean I'm bi, but it's never been...idk. I guess we'll see how this goes?
|
|
| Cruelest emotion. |
[05 Sep 2005|10:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
(Thank you david and sean, you guys are too nice)
Sweet candy lies,
Written in bloody ink.
The more you fight to survive,
The deeper you sink.
You must let go they say.
You must submit.
You must close down,
To that you commit.
Time will guide you.
But time is hell...
For hatred is boiling up,
And soon you won't wish him well.
Pain is floating around in the air.
Freezing winds cut through you,
Without a care.
Thoughts run rambling in your mind.
Not your own.
Not your kind.
Thoughts of murder.
Thoughts of rage.
You had them locked up,
In an air tight cage.
Frozen wishes make frozen dreams.
Piercing silence, with bloody screams.
**********************
Deep thoughts run through my head
When I'm supposed to be doing something else
But its hard to concentrate
When your contimplating things about yourself
The realities in your life, the illusions you wish were real
Sometimes with the cards that life gives you, you wish it'd re-deal
The pain that I feel is undescribable, unexplained
I'm trying my best but these feelings, I just cant detain
Suicides on my mind, because I want this to end now
No matter what I do, my smiles always turn into frowns
So now I plan out my death
Knife, gun, or suffocation
Slit my wrists, run out in traffic, food and water deprivation
Altercation - Thats what I'm having
me vs. my pain
I cant take it anymore
I just cant sustain
Isnt it funny how when you smile and laugh people think your okay?
I wonder what they'll think when they read the newspaper obituaries in a couple of days
******************
You were just another guy.
on another date.
But, now you don't care,
and its changed everything.
You've become something,
that no one ever has.
Without trying,
you've managed the impossible.
I'm left standing,
with these burning tears.
Because you stole my heart,
and then threw it away.
I'm clinging to that last moment,
that I ever held you.
With desperate fingers,
I try to grasp you.
But, you slipped away,
because you could.
And I never even tried,
to stop you from going.
You were just another guy,
on another date.
But, I will never forget,
how this all ended.
How can I,
after what you managed?
I'm not insane, just heartbroken.
|
|
| The bitter end. |
[03 Sep 2005|04:04pm] |
|
Can't say I had no clue, I thought maybe there was problems, but not big enough to break up with me. But he did, and cheated on me while doing it.
|
|
| Rawr |
[08 Aug 2005|03:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
Well....there's is nothing new.
At all.
Really.
Well.
I did dye my hair. Blonde and black tips.
Kinda neat.
I got a couple new shirts.
Well.
They aren't new, I jacked 'em from Ray <3
I hope Lexy's leg is okay.
|
|
| I know we're cool. |
[01 Aug 2005|05:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
I'm sick of having friends, just to have friends. And hanging out with people that I can't stand, just so I'm doing something. It's pathetic and not worth it anymore. I don't care if it means constantly being alone, I'm just sick of stupid people. I'm sick of having to lie to my parents constantly. I'm sick of not being able to be with the one god damn person that means the fucking world to me. I hate this, I hate all this. I hate all these people. I hate the ones I love with, times ten.
I plan on getting emancipated. My sister said that if I can pay rent I can move in with her when Jessie moves out. So, I just need to get...
- A job
- A thousand dollars in the bank
- Good grades
- And a place to live (Wich I think I have)
It's not like I'm doing this so that I can smoke all the time and drink. No, that has nothing to do with it. My past mistakes with my parents never seem to dissolve. They're forever there to torment me. It's bullshit. I'm fucking 15, mistakes are going to be made. It's not like I've ever done anything earth shatteringly bad, anyways. Jesus.
|
|
| Craw, warrior king |
[25 Jul 2005|06:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ecstatic |
] |
Man...today was fun. Like, hardcore fun. Even though, my legs hurt like there's no tomorrow. It was so worth it.
.
.
.
.
I had a wonderful day.
|
|
| Hush, hush, dalrin'. |
[25 Jul 2005|09:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
WTF
NO!
That's all I've got to say about that.
|
|
| Vodka - How dumb bitches get laid and not called a slut. |
[21 Jul 2005|08:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
I hurt my ankle. It hurts. Really effin' bad. Like, "Omigawsh I think I'm going to cut off my leg!" bad. I have hardly eatten anything today. That's probably not good for me. I'm hungry, but it's just we don't have shit to eat in this house.
I think I made some people mad today. I didn't mean to. I don't always think before speaking. I guess their are certain things I shouldn't talk about to protect other people.
|
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disturella's journal